and thus the heart will break
by neverephemeral
Summary: Clarke wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Not even her enemies. The fact that she saw Indra shed tears for her, broke her all the more. (Lexa/Clarke/Bellamy)


**Hey everyone! Sorry, it's a bit rough.**

* * *

_Heaven couldn't wait for you_  
_No heaven couldn't wait for you_  
_So go on, go home  
_-Heaven by Beyonce 

**C**larke shot up in bed, a gasp escaping from between her chapped lips, as if she had been punched hard in the stomach. Her heart beat erratically, seemingly about to beat right through her chest. Her dull blue eyes searched around her room focusing on everything and nothing at the same time. When her brain caught up and she realized her surroundings, she slumped her shoulders.

_Just a dream_.

Clarke brought a hand to her stomach. _Just a nightmare._

She was pulled away from her thoughts when the thin cloth material that worked as her door was pushed aside and Nyko rushed in, his whole body tense, and his eyes focused on her.

"It's alright, Nyko," Clarke's tired voice spoke, as she raised a hand to halt the Grounder healer. "Just a bad dream."

Nyko observed her for a moment more, his blue eyes scanning her, focusing a moment on the hand that the blonde held to her stomach; he frowned, a flash of sadness crossing his eyes, before he pulled his gaze back to her.

"Really," Clarke swung her legs over the side of the bed. She shot the man a poor excuse of a smile, "it's fine."

Nyko hummed in reluctant agreement, he knew better. He took a step forward, "any pain?"

Clarke thought for a moment. Yes, she was in pain. She was in an unbearable amount of pain that ached with every breath she took and every beat of her heart. Despite that, she shook her head.

"You have a visitor," Nyko said.

Clarke dropped her hands from where she was rubbing her eyes and stared at him. Visitor?

"Lincoln," he answered her unspoken question. "He comes with messages."

She nodded, "give me a second and then send him in."

Nyko gave a single nod before he turned and left her alone.

Clarke knelt forward, bracing her arms on her knees, as she took deep breaths. She had a feeling that she knew who the messages were from. She was both anxious and happy to know what the messages were. She pinched the bridge of her nose as she felt her eyes watering yet again.

Would she ever stop crying?

When she heard the flap move, Clarke sealed herself, hiding her emotions the best she could, as she looked up at Lincoln. She didn't know why she bothered knowing that he would be able to read her easily and know it was a front.

"Clarke," Lincoln's deep voice was soft as he offered a kind smile.

Without realizing, Clarke had risen from the bed and pulled Lincoln into a warm hug. She wrapped her arms around him with as much strength she could muster, clingy desperately to him as she laid her face against his chest. She knew how improper this looked but she needed it. Lincoln was familiar to her, she had missed him. She inhaled his scent and swore she could smell the others on him. Thinking of the others brought more tears and a shot of pain.

It had taken a moment but Lincoln returned Clarke's embrace, pulling the blonde leader and technically his Commander, against him. Though Clarke hugging him this fiercely was new to him, hugging for comfort was not. Octavia was a comfort huger and it was through her that he learned how to handle situations such as this.

Clarke pulled back and offered Lincoln a small smile.

"Commander," Lincoln smirked.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes, making Lincoln smirk wider. It was good to see a little of the girl that he knew.

"You don't need to call me Commander, Lincoln. Clarke is just fine."

"You are my Commander," Lincoln replied.

"Lexa is your Commander," Clarke argued.

"And you are her wife," Lincoln raised a brow challenging her.

Clarke shuddered at the thought of Lexa. She turned away from the man and walked back over to her bed and sat down. She chewed on her bottom lip for a second before she looked up at him, "Nyko said you had messages?"

Lincoln nodded and sat beside Clarke on her bed, "your mother sends her love and says to not worry about anything because she and the others have it covered. Octavia also sends her love and hugs, she's been watching over Raven, Jasper and Monty."

"How is Octavia?" Clarke asked.

Lincoln smiled, "she went on her first solo hunt."

"Oh?" Clarke turned her head to look at him, "how did she do?"

"Brought back a panther," pride covered the Grounder's face as he talked about his love. "And a few rabbits."

Clarke smiled, "good for her. She's a natural Grounder."

"Indra agrees," Lincoln nodded.

She snorted, of course Lexa's General agreed. She was sure that Indra was just as proud of Octavia as Lincoln was. Soon the silence became thick and she swallowed, staring down at the floor and chewing on her lip.

"How are they?"

Lincoln sighed and leaned forward on his knees, "as to be expected. Bellamy and Lexa have taken to burying themselves in being leaders. We had some visitors from neighboring clans."

"What for?" Clarke asked. _Please don't let it be war_.

"To pay their respects," Lincoln's voice was low.

Clarke brought a hand to her stomach.

"I am glad that they have each other," Clarke said.

"They have been each others strength during this time of mourning," Lincoln said. "Everyone has been helping but they have relied on each other especially."

"How long does one mourn?" Clarke didn't look at him, "with your customs?"

"With our customs the official mourning period of a child can last up to 3 months, especially that of a Commander," Lincoln answered.

"And it's been?" Clarke asked.

"A month and a half," he replied, "three more weeks and it would be 2 months."

"Only a month and a half?" Clarke asked. "Really?"

It felt so much longer than that. It felt like centuries had passed by slowly.

"You will mourn for this child for the rest of your life, Clarke," Lincoln said. "You, Lexa and Bellamy will all mourn for the rest of your life but do not let it consume you." He reached out his hand and placed it over hers that laid on her leg. "What happened was an _accident_. Nothing that you, your mother, Nyko, Bellamy or Lexa could have done to change that."

Clarke felt tears fill her eyes and slip down her cheeks.

"I failed," she whispered.

"No, you did not," Lincoln's voice was firm, "the Earth failed you, Clarke. You did nothing wrong. Lexa and Bellamy do not blame you."

"It hurts, Lincoln," Clarke pleaded, "everything hurts. It's this constant dull sensation until I breathe or my heart beats and I feel as if I'm being burned alive or stabbed a thousand times over."

* * *

After rescuing their people from Mount Weather, Clarke was worried about the alliance between her people and the Grounders. Kane was the one who offered a political alliance of sorts, with a marriage between Lexa and Clarke. Despite her mother's strong protests and Indra's disdain, Clarke and Lexa married. It took 8 months into their marriage for them to realize that they were more than fond of each other and for Lexa to speak to Clarke about her and Bellamy. Lexa made it clear to Clarke that she was hers but she would allow Clarke to take Bellamy as her paramour of sorts. Another three months passed before Clarke and Bellamy accepted that and slept together.

Hence her getting pregnant. None of the three of them ever expected themselves to be parents but it was happening. Lexa was happy and she told Bellamy that that their child would be lucky to have him as a father.

A month and a half ago there was an accident and Clarke lost their baby. It had been a beautiful baby boy with blonde hair. She was just a few days shy of her due date. As with the Grounder customs, Clarke was brought away from the village to a lodge to mourn. Before she had left, Clarke asked Lexa for them to bury their son. Both Bellamy and Lexa had to support her as she was too weak to stand on her own. Nyko, at the command of Lexa and Lincoln, at the command of Bellamy, accompanied Clarke away on her journey.

"The pain will fade over time," Lincoln said, "it always does. You are strong, Clarke Griffin of the Sky people. One of the strongest I know. You will survive this."

"What was _their_ message?" Clarke asked.

Lincoln met her stare, "they love you and miss you."

Clarke sobbed and Lincoln held her hand, offering her silent support without judgment. He knew that she needed to let it all go. After what seemed like hours to her, Clarke had stopped sobbing. Pulling her hand away from his, she wiped her eyes.

She took a deep breath, "I want to go visit... him." She turned her head to look at him. "Take me?"

"Of course," Lincoln replied and then left to go prepare.

She stood up and walked over to the bowl of water that sat on the small table and splashed her face with the cool water.

Clarke wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Not even her enemies. The fact that she saw Indra shed tears for her, broke her all the more.

_You can do this._

_ You need to do this._

Clarke stepped into the fresh air. She squinted as her eyes adjusted to the light and she held up her arm to shield her eyes. The end of spring was here and summer was soon to begin. She held her hand up, palm facing the sun, as she allowed her cold skin to absorb the warmth.

_Has it been so long?_

Clarke dropped her hand and looked around the small makeshift camp. Nyko and Lincoln were standing side by side, ready to trek out when a third person caught her eyes. She held back a gasp of shock when she saw that Indra, absent war paint, was standing behind the two men.

Indra moved forward, however, when she caught Clarke's eye.

Clarke took a step toward the General and gave her a smile, "I hear that your second's first solo hunt went well." Her blue eyes met her dark brown. "A panther, impressive."

"It was a good feast that night," Indra replied.

"I'm sure," Clarke nodded.

"You're presence was missed," Indra said, "by all."

Clarke saw the sincerity in Indra's eyes. The woman had warmed to Clarke after her marriage to her Commander and even more so when she became pregnant. She had seen how Indra shed a few tears at their son's funeral and hadn't missed the quick shoulder squeeze she had given her.

"I am sad that I missed it," Clarke said, "but I am sure it will not be the last. Octavia was trained well by you."

Indra gave a nod, appreciating Clarke's sentiment.

The trek to her son's grave wasn't a long one though to her it seemed to drag on endlessly. Indra, Lincoln and Nyko watched for any signs of danger while Clarke tried to remain calm. This would be the first time she had visited his grave since she buried him. She was glad that she wasn't alone.

Clarke stopped when she saw the wooden marker. Clarke had been touched when Bellamy told her that Raven, with a little help from Wick, had made it with wood that Lincoln had gathered. She couldn't remember if she thanked Raven or not.

As she walked closer, she noticed that there were objects placed around the marker.

"Your son has many visitors," Nyko said.

Clarke took note of the various flowers that laid around the marker and she turned to look at Lincoln, "Octavia?"

He nodded, "and your mother."

Clarke knelt on the ground, trying not to think about how her baby was buried beneath her knees. She remembered how she cradled him, held him to her chest, wrapped in a blanket that Murphy had given her. Lexa watched her with a clenched jaw and look of despair. She could see how much it pained Lexa to want to comfort her wife but not knowing how to. It had been Bellamy who wrapped his arms around her, cradling both her and their son. He looked over at the Grounder Commander, _it's okay, _his eyes said.

Her eyes caught sight of a small blue pouch that hung from the marker, and she reached out, brushing her fingers against it.

"It holds a piece of the Commander's braid," Indra answered from behind her, "it is our way."

"A lock of Bellamy's hair is also in there," Lincoln added.

She turned to look the Grounder and he offered her a sad smile, "they visit your son often. Sometimes together, sometimes separately."

_He hasn't been alone, _Clarke thought.

* * *

"Hello, my sweet baby boy," Clarke has to stop as she chokes back a sob. She laid her hands flat against the ground, curling her fingers into the dirt. "Your other mother's customs," she pauses, "_our_ customs, say that our souls return to Earth. Reincarnation. Maybe they're true, I don't know. I like to think that they are. That maybe someday I'll see you again." Clarke smiled, "you are after all half Grounder and half your father so it's possible." She takes a deep breath and digs her fingers further into the ground, "until that day happens, I hope that... I _know_ that you're being taken care of. By my father, your grandfather and your two Uncles, Finn and Wells. I will love you for the rest of my days and will miss you just as long." She closed her eyes as she choked back another cry, "I'm sorry, my baby. I would have liked to have known you longer."

She lets a few tears fall into the ground as she leans forward and rest her forehead against the ground. A moment passes before she rises back up and brushes the tears away from her face with the back of her hands.

"Lincoln, Nyko," Clarke rose up from the ground and turned to face the two men, her eyes meeting Lincoln's, "ride back to Camp Jaha and tell them I'm coming home."

She saw the light in Nyko's eyes and Lincoln's smile before they both turned and left, leaving Indra behind to escort Clarke home.

"Indra, your knife please," Clarke held out her hand.

Without question Indra pulled out her knife and placed it in the blonde girl's hand and Clarke brought it up to her hair, cutting a single strand. She turned, kissed it, and then placed it inside the pouch with the other two. Now their son had all of his parents with him.

Indra walked beside Clarke back to camp and with each step she took, Clarke began to feel small pieces of herself come back. She knew that she wouldn't be okay tomorrow or a month by now but in time she would be.

"Clarke."

Indra's voice broke her out of her thoughts and made her realize that she was back. Clarke was home. She could see the gates open from the distance and saw that everyone was waiting for her. She could see them all clearly standing there. At the front she saw two figures that made all the difference in the world to her, Lexa and Bellamy.

Lexa moved away from everyone and walked with determination through the gates and down the dirt path. As she got closer to her, Clarke allowed her eyes to look over her wife. Lexa's face was bare of her usual paint and she could see hints of dark circles under her blue eyes.

Indra took a step back, allowing Clarke and her Commander their privacy.

"Lexa," Clarke whispered her wife's name.

The other girl stopped directly in front of her and cupped her face gently between her hands. Her eyes never wavering away from hers as she leaned her forehead against hers. Clarke closed her eyes and allowed Lexa's scent to surround her. She brought her hands up and covered hers, having realized just how much she had missed her wife's touch.

"Clarke," Lexa's breath brushed against Clarke's slightly parted lips.

When she pulled away, Clarke could see all the emotions swirling in her eyes and all the things that her wife wanted to say.

_I'm sorry._

_ I missed you._

_ You're so strong._

_ I'm happy you're back._

_ I love you._

"I'm home," Clarke said.

Lexa smiled and brushed a piece of Clarke's hair that had fallen into her face aside, "you are home."

Halfway up the path, Clarke was pulled into a strong embrace by Bellamy. It reminded her of the time when he had returned and she had ran and nearly knocked him over in a hug. She buried her nose into the side of his neck, taking in his scent.

"Princess," his hot breath against her ear.

Lexa gave her another kiss on her cheek.

Bellamy kissed her neck.

When she entered the camp her mother was quick to pull her into a bone crushing hug and checked her over with a kiss to the forehead. Octavia was next, whispering into her ear that she was glad she was home. Jasper and Monty were next. Both wrapped their arms tight around her and held her for a minute before letting go. Murphy gave her a polite nod and small smile while Miller gave her a quick hug.

Clarke stopped in front Raven. She had been in the back of the group standing beside Wick and she had taken a step forward when Clarke noticed her.

"Hi," Clarke said softly.

Raven jumped and wrapped her arms around the blonde girl, "missed you."

Clarke let out a breath, "missed you too."

Later that evening a celebration was in order. Clarke was soothed by the smiles and laughs of everyone she loved and cared about. She had missed them. Bellamy and Lexa, of course, didn't stray far from her side that evening. Clarke had been filled in with the happenings that took place while she gone and had been informed that Lexa was due for a gathering of clans the day after tomorrow. Clarke asked if she could go and Lexa agreed.

It was time to start letting go and to begin to heal. As Clarke sat in between Lexa and Bellamy, both making sure that they were touching the woman that they both loved; Lexa brushing Clarke's hair away from her face before she decided to just pull it back into a braid, and Bellamy dropping the occasional kiss to her cheek, forehead or knuckles, Clarke knew that she was going to be okay.

That one day she would be able to think about their little boy and not ache.

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**Thanks for reading! Sorry for any mistakes I missed.**

**-KT xo**


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